It's not just my belt that's blue...

I’ve been thinking about posting about this subject for some time now. I’ve wondered whether it’s something that I should keep to myself as there can be a lot of misunderstanding and prejudice around the subject. But I always intended this blog to be an honest account of my BJJ journey and the topic in hand is very much part of my relationship with BJJ. I also think that with, statistically at least, any one in four of the people reading this will be going through something similar and I hope, even if only in a modest way, that if I can help someone to see that it’s all very common, then I can break some of the confusion and stigma.

I’m talking about depression.

I’ve been properly diagnosed with depression for about four years now, but with hindsight I can think back to having lived with it for at least the last decade. It’s a difficult topic to discuss and all I can give is my own personal experience. I guess I’ll start with how it feels, and I’m pretty sure this will be different for every individual. And I apologise in advance if any of this seems disjointed…it’s mainly a flow of consciousness.

For me, thinking back to my worst times, I can only really describe it as absolute, desperate sadness. Your whole world becomes void of light – the image of a grey cloud is a good one...except that it doesn’t just hover over you and rain periodically, it envelops you and constantly drenches you. It’s not just a case of being “a bit down” – it’s an insidious presence that completely alters reality…and it’s clever. You never see it happening. It becomes you. It becomes your reality and you don’t even notice. Despite even the best intentions of those around you urging you to not “let it control you” or the worst one, “get a grip”, you can never see anything except the bleak reality that exists for you. There’s a sketch by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore as “Pete and Dud”, called “The Futility of Life” which sums this up nicely – here’s an excerpt:

PETE: No words can convey the merest inkling of my innermost thoughts.
DUD: On the contrary. What you've just said has conveyed to me in detail the nature of your malaise. You're feeling a bit droopy.
PETE: A bit droopy? You're the sort of person who'd have gone up to Joan of arc as the flames licked round her vitals and said,
'Feeling one degree under? Like a nice cup of tea?'
DUD: You know what my mother would say?
PETE: No.
DUD: 'Somebody has got out of bed the wrong side this morning.'
PETE: If your mother said that to me today, I'd smash her in the teeth with the coal scuttle.
DUD: Oh, I see. You're feeling a bit temperamental. As Dr Groarke would say 'half temper, half mental.'
PETE: These glib platitudes are, if anything, exacerbating an already unbearable mood of depression.
DUD: If you're depressed, there's no point sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. That won't get the washing up done.
PETE: Dud, your uncanny grasp of domestic trivia is of negligible therapeutic value, and if you tell me to pull myself together or snap out
of it, I might well do something rash.
DUD: I wouldn't say anything like that. Get a grip on yourself, look on the bright side.
DUD and PETE (together): Count your blessings.
DUD: Ooh, Mr Acid Drop himself. Come on, you'll feel better if you get it off your chest. You can confide in me. I mean, what am I here for?
PETE: In your fumbling way you have actually articulated the fundamental question. What are you here for? What am I here for? What is the purpose of life?

Depression is a horribly self-obsessed condition where your whole world turns inwards, as far as you’re concerned, no-one else understands what you’re going through and whatever is going on, it always feels worse for you. This is distinct from self-pity, which I think casual observers and cynics dismiss depression as being. Reality is in the eye of the beholder – we all see things differently and just because someone else sees that you have nothing to feel sad about, will not, and does not, make it so.

There have been many times when I’ve just wanted life to stop. I’m not talking about suicide…I’ve just felt it would be easier to not exist…”stop the world, I want to get off!”. This is why I’ve often found myself curled up under the duvet, with tears in my eyes trying to pretend that the world outside is on hold while I try and get some respite. All kinds of thoughts enter my head when I’m in a depression - a kilo of self-loathing, a few ounces of self-doubt, a cup of cynicism, a few tablespoons of hatred and a good dollop of anxiety and anger – key ingredients for a maelstrom of spiralling negativity.

You get moments of clarity when you start to see the roots of some of these thoughts and see the persona that you’ve become…you realise that you’re no longer the person that you used to be. For me, I became withdrawn and irritable and it’s true what they say – you always hurt the ones you love most. In public, you manage to maintain the persona that everyone wants to see, in private, you become moody, irritable…downright unpleasant to be around. That in itself is a huge cause for concern and grief and you can feel at a loss as to how you can get back, or even if you can.

The good news is, you can. Thankfully, my wife understands what’s going on and can very objectively see the changes when I’m slipping into a depression and prompt me to seek help. I’m lucky in that I have a great GP who is very knowledgeable about depression and takes an interest in me and my family and wants to see us all well. In the past I’ve taken Fluoxentine (“Prozac”) which at the time, faced with depression and anxiety was a great way to even out my emotional state. It brought me to a point where I felt I could cope again and even managed to come off it. However, for me, it evened things out too much – I didn’t experience the desperate lows any longer, but the cost was that I was also unable to experience the highs – to quote Blur’s “Country House” – “It’s a helping hand that makes you feel wonderfully bland”.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading about and trying to understand my condition and I’ve come to view it quite objectively as the illness that it is. Some people have diabetes and take insulin to control it, others have asthma and take ventolin. You break a leg and you wear a cast to help it heal. You can’t see my illness, but like all the others, from time to time, I take a medicine to control/alleviate it.

There is a scientific basis for depression – in my case I do not have enough Serotonin available to regulate my mood. Some of this is genetic, some of it is brought about by my brain using neurochemicals too quickly due to stress, some of which can be caused by the way I think and feel about certain things. The physical link between thinking patterns and mental health are well established – literally a case of mind over matter. Many anti-depressants are what’s known as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) and these work by controlling the amount of Serotonin that is used by the brain to ensure that there is always some available to the brain, thus regulating mood, which in turn, helps control thoughts. For me, the neurochemical/thought pattern process is a bit of a chicken and egg quandry – I’m not sure which way round it operates, but once the cycle starts it’s a pretty rapid downward spiral that needs intervention to help it.

I came out of a major depression with the help of Fluoxetine, feeling strong and capable, like I’d beaten the illness. In many ways I was grateful for the experience – it can give perspective on life, that, actually, it’s pretty great and you can only really appreciate that if you’ve seen the other side. I was also certain that having had the experience that I’d recognise the signs if it were to return.

I didn’t. Like I said, it sneaks up on you. It’s a con artist. It obscures your vision so that the false reality that you experience becomes true reality and before you know it, you’re back in that dark place again. For anyone that’s seen “The Matrix” – it feels like that to me. Like you’re trapped in a reality that you accept, but something tells you that it’s not right, that it’s not really your reality and it’s a battle to get out of it.

Right now, (I hope) I’m on the lower up side of the curve from a recent down. I’ve been taking Citalopram (another SSRI) which, whilst having more initial side effects (nausea, problems sleeping) – and I suspect will be harder to come off, has been very good. It has stabilised my moods and hasn’t numbed me in the same way that Prozac did. I’m also, at last, after a long wait, getting some help through talking therapies which I hope will give me further insight to my thoughts and ways of moving forward.

There are also plenty of other things to help you along: loads of reading – I’ve recently finished reading “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama, which had some great perspectives. At the moment I'm reading "The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness" by Williams et al, which describes a grat way of using meditation to overcome depression. This book comes with a useful CD of guided meditations, and I've said before that I find meditation useful. Topics like Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) are useful and interesting. The web is an amazing resource for scientific data, support, experiences and so on. One of the most useful I’ve found is the Mind website (UK based mental health charity). I’ve also bought a “Bodyclock” from Lumie – an alarm clock that wakes you with a simulated sunrise - far more natural and civilised way of being woken on a dark winter morning (the seasons do have a major effect on my mood) and there’s also a sunset feature for use at bed time to lull you into a more natural sleep. I’ve found this excellent. Also from Lumie, I’ve bought a desktop Lightbox to give me my dosage of light each day, again, especially in the Winter months. Whether this has worked or not, I’m not sure – I haven’t used it long enough to know, but I feel it may have reduced the fatigue I feel on grey days and all I can say is now that the lighter days are here, I feel my mood has improved dramatically. I’ve also looked into the linkages between diet, supplementation and mood and there’s compelling data around on this subject – well worth reading up on and there are a host of more natural remedies like St. John’s Wort and 5HTP than can help, although you do need to read up as there are interactions between various types and prescription drugs.

There’s one last thing I want to talk about and that is others’ perceptions on mental health. Some of my good friends have also had bouts of depression – some worse, all different in their own way. It’s really common…more common than you think because many people will not tell others about this problem for fear of being judged “a malingerer” or a “nutter” or some other prejudicial term. I was on the Tube the other day and I saw a series of posters for the “Time to Change” campaign which is a joint project by some of the main mental health charities to end discrimination faced by people who experience mental health problems. Such a project is well overdue and is supported by some familiar faces, some of whom you would never have known suffered from mental illness. Please take a look at this valuable campaign.



Those close to me know I have this illness. Others do not – this is certainly the first time I’ve spoken about it publicly. Because it’s been hidden I’ve heard others making judgments about people. I work in an HR function and regularly hear people off work with stress and depression being labeled as “Skivers” or worse. Now, I’m not naïve and there will always be a percentage of people who play the game, but for someone who is in deep emotional pain to be labeled a “skiver” is disgraceful and offensive. Because there are no outward signs of suffering does not mean that the pain felt inside is not acute. I challenge everyone to consider what life might be like living with mental illness and not be so quick to judge. Please take the time to understand and challenge your own perceptions…it’s statistically in your interest to do so as one day either you, or someone close to you will suffer from some form of mental illness.

So what has this got to do with BJJ?

Everything.

In a recent post, I wrote about meditation and this meditation is great relief from the inner thoughts that can send me into spirals of negativity. It’s great exercise and exercise is a great remedy for depression, so much so that some doctors have prescribed gym membership to patients. It allows me to connect with something tangible, something where I can see, that with application, I can make progress – a metaphor for life and something to give me hope that I can do the same in other areas of my life. But I think most of all, it’s the people. Meeting like minded people who do actually care about how you are, what’s going on with you, like you – it counts for so much. It’s so important to keep active and social (god knows it would be easier to succumb and not) and having such great people around you makes it easy and pleasurable. So thanks to all my good friends in BJJ.

I close this post with these few thoughts. For those that know me, please don’t think differently of me having read this. I’m still the same person I always was – just now you know something different about me. I don’t walk around near suicide every day. Mostly life is normal and I enjoy it. For those that don’t know me, thanks for reading – please think about what I’ve said and if you identify with anything here then I hope you found it interesting and useful.

Wishing you good mental health…

Al.

Ye olde curiositie shoppe

I wanted to share with you a little piece of Jiu Jitsu trivia that I just picked up. Bored (as I often am) at work, I decided to browse e-bay to see what Jiu Jitsu related items were around. The usual mix of MMA gear, the odd Gi and instructional DVDs popped up. But also amongst the mix was a cutting from “Punch” magazine dated 1910, titled “The Suffragette that Knew Jiu Jitsu: The Arrest” by Arthur Wallis Mills.

What I thought was curious about this cartoon was the spelling of “Jiu Jitsu” which is often reserved nowadays in connection with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu whilst the Japanese original is often spelt “Ju”. It seems clear to me that it is only in recent times that any spelling of the Japanese word meaning “Gentle” has been standardised, hence the spelling in this cartoon.

However, I still felt that this was a nice little bit of trivia that would look good in a frame, so I put in my bid, forgot about it and lost. To be honest, I was a little bit gutted – you can by prints of this cartoon, but I felt I wanted the original with all of its history still clinging to it. That’s just me.

I put in a call to my Sister-in-Law, Tammy, who, with my Brother-in-Law and her Dad run a business in the US called “Bakertowne Collectables”. Here’s a quick plug – they buy and sell all types of collections and collectables and trade over e-bay…they’re a great place to try if you have some unique collections to sell or are looking for an obscure item or publication. Anyway, I thought that Tammy, with her connections might know where I could get a copy of the original. Almost instantly, the reply came “I have that edition right here in my hands!”. Schweet! It’s not what you know…

So I now have this original cartoon – monetary value is small, but I think it will look just great mounted and framed. Now I have it though, it has prompted me to do a bit of research on it and the history around it…the martial arts side. Women’s suffrage is well documented, but their involvement in Martial Arts is not so well known.

So where to start? Well, this cartoon is a good place. “Punch” was a weekly satirical zeitgeist publication and published this cartoon shortly after the release of a series of photos of Edith Garrud demonstrating Ju Jitsu techniques on a policeman (or at least a man dressed as one).

Garrud’s husband, William was a student of Sadakazu "Raku" Uyenishi - a Judoka who ran a Dojo in Soho in the early 20th century and was the author of the “Text Book of Ju-Jutsu as Practised in Japan”. William became the instructor at the Dojo when Uyenishi returned to Japan. Edith Garrud was active in the Women’s suffrage movement, the Women's Social and Political Union (WSPU), led by Emmeline Pankhurst and her daughter Sylvia and from her makeshift dojo at no. 9 Argyll Place, London (near Oxford St) she taught women of the WSPU the art of Ju Jitsu.

The need for women who were part of this movement to defend themselves became abundantly clear on “Black Friday” - November 18, 1910. In response to the Prime Minister quashing a women’s voter bill, 300 suffragettes marched on the House of Commons. Police were caught on film assaulting unarmed women attempting to march past. Unthinkable isn’t it? For a few still, this happened within living memory…

Ju Jitsu became an empowering force for a number of women in the Suffrage movement as shown in the article “Ju-Jutsu as a Husband-Tamer: A Suffragette Play with a Moral” From a publication called “Health & Strength”, April 8, 1911

In researching this, links to a Martial Art known as “Bartitsu” were also thrown up. Bartitsu was created by Edward William Barton-Wright who, while working as a railway engineer and surveyor in Japan, studied at two ju jitsu schools including the Kodokan Jiujitsu Dojo, possibly with Jigoro Kano, in Tokyo. He later incorporated stick fighting, Boxing and Savate into his learning and created an eclectic system which he named after himself – a pioneer in cross training and MMA if you will.

Barton-Wright was also one of the earliest people to open his doors to women, although, after the demise of Bartitsu, Edith Garrud’s Dojo became one of the most prominent places in London for women to learn self-defence.

Incidentally, Bartitsu was immortalized by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle as the fighting system employed by Sherlock Holmes – a feature not missed in the movie starring Robert Downey Jr released later this year, directed by Guy Ritchie. The movie is rumoured to contain plenty of fight scenes featuring Bartitsu - interesting since Guy Ritchie is, I think, a BJJ Brown Belt under Renzo Gracie, so I’d expect to see a distinct influence on the Ju Jitsu components of Downey’s Sherlock’s Bartitsu.

Anyway, it appears that Ju Jitsu was seen, at the start of the last century to be an effective way for women to defend themselves – a thought I’ve often had about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu today and yet, there are still very few women involved and this is a real shame. Rather than veer off on this subject myself, take a look at Meerkatsu’s blog which has a good article on this subject and also some of the links provided here by Slideyfoot to women in BJJ’s sites – they can give you insights that I certainly can’t.

Take care,

Al

Main source of info and links here

Mind, Body and Spirit

It’s been just over a month since I made my last post…and how time flies! So here’s an update on all that’s been happening (or at least what I can remember!).

Jiu Jitsu: The Next Generation

Some congratulations are due! On the 1st March, Dave and his wife Toyah welcomed their daughter Nieve into the world. Both of them train with us and are Sensei and Senpai respectively in Kyukoshin Karate…I’d imagine with that pedigree, young Nieve has got an awesome journey in martial arts ahead of her! On 16th March, Simon and his wife Anna finally (long overdue) said “hi” to Marcella, their second daughter. Congratulations to you both!! And it doesn’t end there… Ram and his wife are expecting their first and Ian (AKA “Monkey”) and his wife are expecting their second not so long away. A ready made batch of Jiu Jitsukas!

Really, congratulations to all of you…it really is the greatest thing a person can ever be bestowed.

We can rebuild him…

I’ve already written about my quest to get fitter and slimmer so I thought I’d update on this. Since Christmas I’ve now lost about three quarters of a stone. It doesn’t sound much but when I’m being uncritical of my self, it’s actually quite good. I’ve made lots of small manageable changes to my lifestyle – mainly in the food I eat (although I’m still playing with this trying to get the right foods, right amounts an frequencies to get maximum benefit) and the result so far is slow, but steady weight loss. All that I’ve read has said that this is the way to go if you want to keep the weight off so hopefully this is good progress. Certainly my trousers feel looser which is always a good guide. There’s a long way to go yet though.

I’ve also become somewhat obsessive about my fitness training…but in a good way I think. At the moment a typical week looks like this:

Mon – 2.5 mile run at work
Tues – Jiu Jitsu (min 2hrs)
Weds – Gym (4 mile run, 10 mins row, 10 mins cross trainer all at average 70-80% MHR)
Thurs – Jiu Jitsu
Fri – 2.5 Mile run at work or Gym (as above)
Sat – Jiu Jitsu
Sun – Yoga and /or rest

I think that’s pretty good, but I’ve now started doubling up, so, for example, last Friday, I did my run at work and then went swimming in the evening. Yesterday, I went swimming at lunchtime and Jiu Jitsu in the evening. Swimming’s great for this as it’s quite aerobic, but low impact.

The sun has been out all of this last week, which makes my runs enjoyable, but I’m also starting to think I should dust my bike down and start cycling to work again now the lighter mornings and evenings are here (believe me – I have lights and reflectors galore but have still had far too many close shaves to want to cycle in the dark!).. It’s about 6.5miles one way so I figure this could also be a good, practical and functional way to add to my weekly regime.

I’m in a bit of a quandary about what to do with Yoga. It has been great, but one session is not enough to really progress. There are no other sessions and we are encouraged to do daily practice (which I don’t!). I would say, after around four months of Yoga, I have a good idea of the principles of the basic poses and the things I need to be aware of (but there really is no substitute for a teacher making corrections!). I have a book by the founder of Iyengar Yoga containing the main poses. I’m starting to wonder if I actually need to get up every Sunday morning to go to Yoga, or, with the props that I now have, whether I can simply practice at home. I do need to keep on with flexibility and core strength so it’s a tough one to call. Not sure what to do at the moment.

One thing that might make the decision easier is that I’m toying with the idea of trying British Military Fitness (BMF) once a week on Saturday mornings. It’s something I’ve wanted to do ever since I left the RAF. I’ve said before, I’ve never been fitter than when I was in my training in the RAF – the mix of functional exercises, aerobic workouts, camaraderie and genuine encouragement from PTIs (the image of PTIs shouting in your ears as you cry into the mud whilst doing your 1000th press up couldn’t be further from the truth – in the RAF at least!) is the most awesome recipe for rapid fitness gains. I decided to take a look at their list of locations and in the 8 years since I left the RAF, they have expanded enormously and now run sessions in a park not too far from me. The first session is free so I figure what have I got to lose?! However, if I try it and like it, then to be fair to my long-suffering wife, one of the weekend morning sessions is going to have to go (lie-ins at the weekend are very important when you have twins!). If I enjoy the BMF sessions, then I think the decision will be simple as I know from experience that the gains from that type of exercise will far outweigh the gains I’m making from one session a week of Yoga. I’ll just have to get some discipline and ensure I keep up some yoga practice at home! I’ll let you know how I get on if I give it a go.

Lastly on the body thing, yesterday I had my second session of Osteopathy. Since before Christmas I’ve had a tightness in my shoulder blade that has extended up my back, into my neck and had started to give me bad headaches in the base of my skull and started to disrupt my sleep. Some things just go on their own, but this one was just getting worse so I decided to get some help. After an initial consultation and some prodding, my Osteopath found the offending tissue and said it was probably due to some kind of knock during my late teens. Nothing significant sprang to mind, but my late teens/early twenties were my best Rugby years and I took knocks every week. Anyway – he certainly did, literally, hit the right spot – there’s not much, even in BJJ submissions that has hurt more than when he massaged the offending knot of tissue – if tapping would have made him stop I’d have been doing my Michael Flatley impression. The improvement after one treatment was noticeable and yesterday he went even further and deeper. I also got a full spine crack – neck, shoulders, lower back – wow, that always feels amazing and I arrived at training feeling lighter than air. Honestly, my back hasn’t felt so good in years. I’ve decided that £32 for a session is money well spent to keep everything doing what it should be so I’m going to have a session once a month as part of a “maintenance” regime. I’d recommend it – don’t suffer hoping things will just get better. You could be storing up problems for later – go get yourself seen to. Your body will thank you for it.

The melting pot…

One of the great things about Jiu Jitsu is that it creates a common bond amongst all who train it. People come from all walks of life, wear the same gear and train the same things. Life should be a lot more like Jiu Jitsu. Last night we had a discussion about religion and it just served to highlight how great Jiu Jitsu is. In our club, we have Anglicans, Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, Sikhs, Buddhists, agnostics, atheists and each person is genuinely valued and respected for who they are, whilst at the same time, their religion being a total non-issue. We all share a mutual respect for each other and a love of the art we practice. Perhaps the world just needs more Jiu Jitsu?!

Training

Training has ticked along well lately. We’ve been training mostly techniques of late – a good number of sweeps and submissions, mainly from butterfly guard. Dean has also been majoring on the good use of leverage. This has been the “yang” to the “yin” of the softer balance/sensitivity stuff we’ve been doing. Dean has his sights set on training with Rickson sometime in the middle of the year and this has focussed his mind on the fundamentals of Rickson’s teachings – the things that are most basic and effective in Jiu Jitsu and it’s been great to be a part of Dean’s preparations as his work effectively rubs off on us, his students. It’s great to see, practice, feel and discuss, how the hard and soft aspects of Jiu Jitsu work with each other – each having their time and place. For me, it’s great…I’m starting to get a good sense of how I need to move, feel, wait for the right times and also understand when to be hard and unyielding and remove options from my opponent. I need to work hard not to lose sight of the softer, free flowing stuff I’ve worked hard on – it would be easy to default to hard, static Jiu Jitsu, so I think some movement drills would be good sometime soon.

This month has also been the month of Steves. Tugboat Steve has been back – great to see him and always a challenge. His strength is awesome and can challenge the best technique – a great guy to have to train with. Also, we saw French Steve for the first time this year. Even having not trained for possibly six months, he still doesn’t give an inch…great to see him back and looking forward to another visit in April.

Training’s been good – what more can I say? I could bore you with my technique breakdowns but there are plenty of other blogs that do that much better than me and a myriad of books. On that subject, I’ve just had my copy of Saulo Ribeiro’s “Jiu Jitsu University” delivered. I’m a big fan of Saulo and Xande’s as I know how much they’ve trained with, and been inspired by, Rickson. On first scan, it looks like the best instructional book I own. I’m going to take a much closer look and I will review on this blog sometime.

Catch ya soon(ish) ;P

Al